Haunted by the Twilight Train

Note: before you read this, I know people are not necessarily looking to be more depressed in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic: this is not necessarily a happy poem, so please read at your own risk. In a way, however, it can be interpreted as a poem of realization, of hope. The poem’s content is also nothing new: I have written about it a lot. I am just trying to reconnect to it in different ways, different poems.

The very overcoming of the world subdues the overcomer

to a core of existence that, with a serious face, resolves only in a resolute passion to a pursuit of being,

who only lives a fight against the inevitable and who builds a futile shelter of flesh and bones against a deluge of suffering, rushing and crashing endlessly.

They close their eyes and live in a dream of carefree indulgences in time and reputation,

a lost place, of dissonant cries and screeches of being found, of finding, and of knowing. Angels appear as devils, and devils wear halos.

Mortality is a train to midnight, which plows through effortlessly on invisible, sometimes misty tracks; it has no friction, but all its subjects, passengers.

Yet… in a faraway land… across seas and planets… there was one who believed, despite it all…

Frustrations

Well, despite feeling better right now due to a friend’s kindness and generosity, I feel like sharing my reflections about why I am feeling so frustrated recently. It’s like a dark cloud that has descended and decided that my head is the perfect place to make its nest...lol. Perhaps you would feel similarly or otherwise, get something out of it 🙂 If not, well, the following is an exhibit of a creature named the Georgia.

We live in a time of great worry and frustration, where many people, wanting to survive, run frantically from thing to thing, and place to place to meet the demands of their schedule, their peers, or their groups. It feels as if things are in constant motion and, if you are not in the flow of this, the perception of speed is somewhat in a distorted position. For example, crossing a road the other day when I was walking around in Vancouver, I was honked at by a driver and nudged to run across, so he or she could complete a left turn. While that may only have increased the time it took for me to walk by a second or two – I was relatively close to the other side-, every second was psychologically crucial for the driver as he or she had no choice but to conform to the enforced rules of the stoplights (the dwindling life of the green light). In a commercialized and quickened world, silence, time, space, and peace, seem to be privileges rather than rights.

When we do not have the chance to allow ourselves to risk being unproductive -in the capitalistic sense of this word- and give ourselves the the silence, time, space, and peace we need to recuperate, I am convinced that we would never really have the chance to achieve genuine connections with ourselves and the world around us. Mental Illness, the illness of our mind, spirit and body, is on the rise and, combined with other systematically-induced symptoms such as climate change, points to the decreasing health of the nature that keeps us alive and our fellow humans that surround us. The game of money and numbers, which people play for survival, is killing us for it has no basis on survival or reality itself, but the demands and inputs of those who play the game. Unfortunately, as soon as survival becomes the philosophy of someone else, rather than on the truth of what is, it becomes compromised according to the imperfections of how one thinks (and then people start talking about how your problems are just in your mind…perhaps in this way, they’re right).

Sorry for rambling…. I am covering a lot of things as they come to mind, which may sometimes be hard to follow. In sum, from the systemic level, what has been bothering me is the lack of consideration for people.

The context of where I’m at now also has an influence on how I’m being affected by what is going on around me. To put it frankly, I feel as though I am sitting on the brink of uncertainty, on the edge of a huge void named my future. This summer, I will effectively be transitioning from high school to my freshman year at university, and it is both an frightful and exciting time. In the void, I do not see any clear picture, but images in the clouds of the towering debt I will soon be buried under, the climate crisis I will have to live through, and the novelty of studying on the eastern side of North America. I am also nervous about how I will deal with the things that will become exposed to me, whether I am capable of making friends and whether things are going to be okay. Most of the forces both of the earth and of the supernatural leave me feeling a visceral defeat, while the excitement of traveling to study music at university gives me a reason to go on. It’s possible that the effects of the negatives and positives are amplified by my uncertainty, or maybe, what may be positive or negative have simply become real to me as a result (too often am I numbed by the routine of my life).

Where I’m at now, the game of money is like an inevitable game to participate in, because it at least helps towards the cause of lowering the tower of my student debt. I am determined, however, not to go into it just thinking about the money, because I don’t think I would do as well at doing my best job. I guess such acrobatics are just necessary in order to preserve your sense of self and well being.

I would love to alleviate my frustrations, but they sometimes appear inescapable. Sometimes, for certain things like climate change, I’ve accepted my frustration simply as the price needed to pay for awareness and action which has been defined. For other things such as being able to have friends as my life progresses, I find it hard to accept my frustration, because of my sheer uncertainty as to how to go about learning to become a better friend…

The more I scrutinize and evaluate things, the more life becomes filled with dissonances and questions, until it becomes thick and unclear. There’s so much of it and a lot is probably unnecessary! It’s natural for me to try to think of an agreeable way of trying to live with that, but I don’t think I will take my advice, as it doesn’t honestly reflect where I’m at now. I think I need to refresh myself and that can’t always happen with clever reasoning.

I’m just going to go listen to some music….

I drew Herbert von Karajan a couple of months ago! Listening to him now.

The Amhnu

My sister climbing a tree

Hi, this is just a reflection on a lot of things. It was originally made for an assignment at school about relationships, but it kind of transformed. I won’t say too much about it before. There are some allusions to the bible, but please don’t take it as a description of who I am. I chose things based on their symbolic definition, and their spiritual symbolism, but also as metaphors for some personal and learned (my teachers pointed out to me) observations. I didn’t proofread it super thoroughly, but enjoy!

Naturo’s garden bursted with different varieties of plants, from luscious greens, blooming pinks and yellows, to cosmic blues, deep purples, and others, who proudly stand with multiple swirls of colour. Gredus sat on a stone bench, legs crossed, looking into the distance. He stroked his beard, combed his fingers through his hair, which was short on the sides and longer on the top, and positioned his top hat from beside him onto his head. He had a big gold watch, which showed he could tell time, and combined with his whole attire, accentuated an air of sophistication. He was taking some time to think. Soon, after several hours, he sprouts a small smile. It disappears as he hears Naturo’s footsteps coming into vicinity.

“Gredus, how are you?”

“I’m alright, just enjoying being surrounded by your beautiful plants”

Naturo decides to sit on a bench beside Gredus and looked at him with eyes, a medium size, but which contained a galactic glare. Gredus shuddered. It was almost as if he was looking into the void, an unquantifiable power. Nonetheless, he collected himself and made his proposal.

“I’m in awe of how you were able to sustain such life. I would love the chance to give it a try, although I cannot compare to your greatness. I have an idea for a new nature, would I be able to try my hand?”

Naturo looks away for a second and focuses on a point in the distance, before looking back at Gredus.

“Of course, give it a try”

Gredus thanked Naturo graciously, and left to his lab. When he left, Naturo shook his head. He already knew what was to follow, yet he also was aware of his own incapability to prevent it.

Days of research and experimentation finally yielded – for Gredus – a satisfactory result, an alternate nature infused with drops of his own blood, something he named “Amhnu”. With the permission, of Naturo, he dropped his nature onto a planet and watched eagerly for their transformations.

The Amhnu took form as individuals and wandered the planet curiously and fearfully. They jumped at every sound and movement. When they found each other, they attached themselves into groups and clung on to one another in times of danger. Gredus was fascinated, and he felt himself have a bond with them, wanting to protect his creatures, in which would grow his children.

Throughout years, decades, and eventually centuries, Gredus watched his Amhnu grow and develop relationships and colonies. He began seeing some competing with each other for land and resources, some collaborating on giant artistic masterpieces, some avoiding others and developing their preferences, some trading belongings and negotiating using their own languages, and some helping others in need. In awe of his creation, Gredus began dropping shiny objects onto the planet as gifts, even dismantling some of the parts of his gold watch to drop into the earth inside rare caves and among rocks. As he noticed his Amhnu discover them excitedly, he felt encouraged to decorate the world with more pieces from his watch, until all he had left was the timepiece. With their obsession over the sparkles, the Amhnu began collecting other materials: wood from trees, stones, plants and almost any other thing they could find. Once afraid, they were beginning to take charge of their planet, growing more and more attached to their lifestyles.

Naturo sensed this and with his calm hand, emotionlessly unleashed plagues of illness and natural disasters, almost as if he, by his own hand, could not even prevent it from happening. Soon, however, Gredus’ children began to sprout in some locations, despite Naturo’s interference, and Gredus loved them. He wanted them to grow bigger, to achieve greater feats, to win greater battles and to have more and more. This was how, he thought, he would live happily ever after.

In his own, quiet ways, Naturo warned Gredus of their straining relationship. Without opening his mouth to speak, he communicated the horrors of what would follow through the winds and forces of the environment, which relentlessly bent everything to its gravity. He reminded the Amhnu of the futility of their ways of life, and rebelled from being a slave to their demands. By his unwavering demand, he forced them to accept their fate or to respect their relationship. The universe was all power.

For Gredus, who desperately now tried to avoid Naturo, there was a trembling of fear on a visceral level. His stomach could not amass the strength to ponder the existence of the void, and the mysteriousness of the supernatural. He was a man of men, and that in his mind was thorough and complete. So, still he encouraged his children to grow and to conquer greatness. And through that, the Amhnu tried to conquer nature.

If the issue was to conquer, there would be no use, as, for the Amhnu, in their state of denial, have already achieved conquering. They have conquered themselves, disconnected themselves from their reality. There was no conquering in the universe, for what only exists is a permanent juxtaposition of something and nothing; that which exists, and that which does not. Naturo was, at once, all conquering (something) and all accepting (nothing) and the world, is but a citizen of the universe.

When the Amhnu were running all over, in a desperate Anarchy, Gredus finally broke his silence with Naturo, and tries to apologize, beg for forgiveness, and to pray for Naturo to make things better again. But survival on the planet was simply hopeless without a collaboration with the planet and so he was forced to watch his Amhnu die by fire, water, ice, wind, and earth.

At last, when all was gone, Gredus sat in his laboratory, defeated. His face was red from frustration, regret, and sadness. On his desk, the gold timepiece laid, ticking away like a time bomb, against the rhythm of his breath. Upon hearing Naturo’s footsteps in the garden, he left to apologize to his master.

When he came, Naturo was sitting on a stone bench in the midst of a group of fig trees, which showered him with shade, snacking on some wild blueberries from the bushes. Trembling with guilt and fear, Gredus approached Naturo and bowed his head.

“Greetings, Gredus, what brings you here?”

“I have come, with a heavy heart, to say sorry”

Naturo reached for a fig in the tree and gave it to Gredus.

“I forgive you, Gredus. I can’t have it any other way. It’s now to you to forgive yourself. Come, sit beside me.”

He did, and Naturo gestured towards all of the plants around them.

“We sometimes don’t have a choice for certain things, but we still have plenty to appreciate about the world.”

Don’t Focus on Results: Persuasive Speech

This was something I wrote for class at school. Not sure if it’s helpful to anyone, but… just some ideas for your reference. Some ideas are inspired by Gallwey’s book “The Inner Game of Tennis”. My ideas are still evolving! The following is just a record of how I thought during a certain period of time!

I was in fourth grade and I was really excited. It was parent teacher conferences and I wanted to show my mom all the cool things I had done so far in class. Together, we walked into the classroom and I eagerly pointed out which projects I had made on the walls. “This is some art I made, this is my ‘all about me project’” I looked at her face, anticipating seeing her beautiful smile, but instead, I saw disappointment. When it was finally our turn to talk to the teacher, it was revealed to my mom that I had gotten a couple of B’s and maybe even a C plus in one of my courses. Realizing that my mom was not in the best of moods, I began to get nervous.

When we arrived at home, she opened up to me about how she felt. She told me that my writing was messy, that my grades were bad and that she had expected much more from me. I felt ashamed, disappointed in myself, and scared of the consequences I might have to face.

Then, I noticed her voice get shaky.

Tears rolled down her face.

My mother was crying. I had never seen her cry before.

As immigrants, my parents came to Canada with nothing and had to fight for the means to survive. They wanted me to be successful in everything that I did so I wouldn’t have to face what they had to face.

At an early age, it was established for me that success was the result of obtaining the best results. My parents have clarified to me that that wasn’t the whole story, but for a while, it was.

Whether that’s getting good grades and earning the means to survive or meeting deadlines, finding our passions, finding happiness, meeting beauty standards and much more, it’s clear that there many things to be obtained.

But to live a life that revolves around obtaining results does not necessarily produce the best results and the ones most true to ourselves. To achieve those ends, it’s better to not focus solely on results.

The question of survival -the outcome of life or death- is undoubtedly important.

I am not asserting that we should ignore the importance of such crucial outcomes or overlook the natural desire to stay alive, but rather, that focusing on outcomes might not always be the most effective means of reaching them.

For those of you who are familiar with NBA history, you might have heard of the time Tracy McGrady of the Houston Rockets scored thirteen points in the last thirty-five seconds of the fourth quarter against the San Antonio Spurs and won his team the game (uhmean). He scored 4 three point shots -one of which turned into a four-point play- and he hit them down one after another whilst being fiercely defended -sometimes by multiple players from the other team (uhmean). Most amazingly, when asked about how he did it after the game, McGrady responded to the interviewer, “I’ve never been a part of anything like this, so you gotta excuse me” (uhmean ). It seems incredible that he wasn’t aware he did anything deliberately or differently to cause himself to achieve that feat; it just kind of happened.

In my musical studies, I’ve noticed a trend. In performances when I try the hardest to play and when I feel the most anxious about results, I tend to play the most poorly, but in my best performances, when I feel most in-tune with the music and when my fingers surprise me with technique I hadn’t encountered during practice, I’ve noticed something similar to what McGrady experienced: some element of not worrying about my ability to reach the results and not trying to control the outcome.

When something is extremely important to us (in these pressing situations -survival), we obsess over it and we try to do everything in our power to obtain it. We hope that through giving our all and spending all that energy, we will more able to reach our goals.

What Tracy McGrady shows us is that perhaps we can do more when we don’t come in the way of ourselves with our own judgments and expectations. Perhaps the key to accessing the best results is letting go and giving ourselves the freedom to do what we can do.

In cases when what we are looking for is more subjective, sometimes, it’s not solely about reaching the outcome, but finding the right one. Part of being in a group -being a part of society- is being subject to group influences, meaning that it’s possible that our goals may be misguided.

Christele Perrot is an example of someone who pursued and obtained what she thought she needed to have to be happy (Perrot). At the age of 31, she had the “picture perfect” life: she had a masters degree in finances at the university Paris Dauphine, she started her professional life working at a recognized investment bank, she was married for life at age 25, and at the same time, she had three children (Perrot). A life, as she put it, “toute tracée” -all drawn out (Perrot). But starting in July 2001, she started noticing symptoms of illness, which she ignored as a first reaction, attributing them to just being a normal part of life as a young professional (Perrot). She started getting chest pains, exhaustion, and everything deeply bothered her (Perrot). After suddenly collapsing one day, she was diagnosed with burnout and depression, and spent three months in bed with antidepressants, anxiolytics, and sleeping pills (Perrot).

What society deems is important, is not necessarily accurate. The outcome of being married, having children, and being quite established in her professional life promised Christele happiness and fulfillment not immobilization in a bed for three months with burnout and depression. She was so caught up in the pursuit of the picture perfect lifestyle that she lost touch with the reality that she was getting very ill, and that her heart was not happy.

Outcomes can be only superficial representations of our desires. If we lose touch with ourselves in the pursuit of results, we will never know what we really need, and what we really want.

We live in an age marked by the desire of perfection -or rather, because humans are imperfect, results that are perfect enough. At work, we are demanded to put in our very best -to meet deadlines, and to keep ourselves systematically and robotically busy to fulfill the requirements of our jobs. When we complete a day of work and feel a little bit hungry, we go to grocery stores, and pick out some fruit shaped perfectly enough to meet our expectations, a bag of chips whose flavour was the perfect enough result of food engineering, a bottle of pop half-off that would be perfect enough to quench our thirst. We go home and we sit in the perfect-enough comfort of our couch with our snacks and look at our phones in hopes of instant satisfaction. A life focussed on results -working enough, eating enough, relaxing enough- is one that can either be perfect enough or not: successful or not.

Unless we change our perceptions, we will never be able to free the extent of our capabilities, and discover what is truly meaningful to us.

When we focus too absolutely on outcomes, we lose sight of the natural ability and imperfect beauty that is part of being who we are: human.

 

Works Cited

Perrot, Christèle. “Du burn-out à la performance – Est-ce la limite? | Christèle Perrot |TEDxAlsace.” YouTube, TEDx Talks, 17 Feb. 2017,www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5fC4EzPjD0.

uhmean. “Tracy McGrady: 13 Points in 33 Seconds.” YouTube, YouTube, 21 Nov. 2005,www.youtube.com/watch?v=ceLlz7dOOvY.

My Experience at the Orford Music Academy

Dear Diary,

I have been at the Orford Music Academy for a week now and it’s got to be one of the best weeks of my life!

I was incredibly nervous during my trip to get here last Sunday morning. I was also very very excited! When I boarded my plane to get to Montreal, I remember thinking to myself that this was going to be a very important week as it was my first time staying a week from home by myself for something music related! I was crying(as usual) on the flight at how amazing the opportunity would be to meet other students, professors, and have so many chances to do cool things like perform for others. I’m such a crybaby sometimes, but I can’t help it!

When I arrived at the airport, I hoped so much that things would go smoothly. I hoped that my luggage would come, that I would survive the trip, and that I would be able to find the shuttle that would take me to Orford. Everything went very smoothly!

When I got there, I unpacked in my dorm and I explored the whole campus; There was a practice building, a concert hall, a bistro(cafeteria), dormitories, and lots of trees and bugs.

There was a lot that happened! A brief summary in point form, because there were just too many things that happened

  1. I met my roommate, and she was so polite and friendly(thank goodness).
  2. The heat was definitely on! It was over 30 degrees the past few days and we had no a/c in the dorms.
  3. I practiced in the practice building a lot!
    1. There were mainly upright pianos there, but there were grand pianos in some rooms.
    2. My favorite piano was this concert Steinway grand, because I really liked its sound. Unfortunately, the white part of the keys were broken off in some places in the middle and it scratched me.
    3. I practiced more than I practice in a month probably! I was never focused on the time so I can’t tell you how much….or even approximately how much.
  4. I broke down into tears in some sort of panic attack(I think?) at a masterclass and realized that I needed to change my way of thinking.
  5. I made a lot of friends and discovered a faith in humanity!
  6. I read a book called the “Inner Game of Tennis”. SUCH A GOOD READ!!!! I RECOMMEND IT!
  7. I got a lot of mosquito bites.
  8. I realized that I was more prepared than I thought I was!
  9. I went hiking with a bunch of people and we took a bunch of pictures.
  10. I roasted marshmallows and hot dogs on the camp fire at night. SO GOOD!
  11. I watched a student concert in the concert hall(I was too unsure of myself to even ask whether I could perform).
  12. I barely got much sleep, but I’m fine with it!
  13. I went on a ride with my professor (for the week) to Magog and we had a nice conversation about life.
  14. I feel like I should go to the gym.
  15. I am writing on my blog right now.

There are definitely more cool things that happened this week, but I feel like I’m so in it right now! So….. I’m just going to go to the gym later……..

I’M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so cool!

 

 

Reflecting on Grade 11 and Summer Bucket List

I cannot believe that grade 11 finished, but more so at how happy and excited I feel right now! I am super duper excited for the summer! In fact, a couple days ago, I was running around the house while waving my arms around like a crazy maniac. Also, I am perfectly fine with being a crazy person…. so THERE!!!!

So many things happened this year.  To list a few…

  • I found out I had anxiety
  • I thought that life was boring
  • Santa Claus gave me a hair straightener
  • My math teacher liked my math project
  • I survived physics class
  • I made some new friends
  • I developed an appreciation for puns
  • I saw a counselor for the first time(to help me with my mental health)
  • I discovered that I wasn’t being honest with myself
  • My teachers supported me and they actually care!!!!
  • I felt incredibly guilty when two of my teachers accepted late work and didn’t take off marks.
  • I gained back a friendship with my mom
  • I drew a portrait all by myself
  • I got to stay in touch with one of my teachers on social media!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I looked through the yearbook and found a deep competitive energy looking at the sports teams: Now I want to play basketball a lot!!!
  • I discovered that I shouldn’t wait for a certain time(like the weekends for example) in order to allow myself to feel free and happy.
  • I stopped procrastinating in my piano practicing
  • and I became immensely hopeful for my future!

So what should I do during the summer? hmmmmmm

  • Enroll myself in a basketball summer camp.
    • Does anyone want to play basketball with me??????
  • I’m going to the Orford music academy in Quebec
    • I’ll try to practice my french and get inspired by others
  • I’m going to get a haircut at least once
  • Reach out to connect with friends
  • Draw a portrait of someone I find cool
  • Attempt to start a conversation with my teachers
  • Go to the beach to just chill
  • Write a bunch of random things on my blog
  • Do some research and support an important cause
  • Study some vocab
  • Go to downtown Vancouver
  • Listen to some classical music
  • ……etc..e..t.c..e.t.c.e.t..c…e….t…………c

So as you can see, I have lots of plans for the summer! The only thing is that my mom wants me to spend August studying for the SAT. Oh well. I guess I can’t do EVERYTHING I want. Whatever.

HAPPY SUMMER BREAK!!!!!!

Dear Diary June 13, 2018: Star Signs

Dear Diary.

My mom told me the other day that the current star signs might be reason for a lot of the negative things that have happened recently.

Some examples include my dad getting a swollen eye yesterday after his basketball game, my little cousin running away and somehow using his super sharp memory to navigate through the roads to get to a city he visited before, my grandma and her(I’m assuming) allergic reaction, the passing away of a family member, and many other things that I probably should not talk about.

I was a little surprised that she took the stars as an explanation, but there just seemed to be no other ones. How can something so far away have an impact on us here?

It was imply a kind of interconnection or interrelationship between everything in the universe. Like we all contain some sort of nebulous power that runs through and in everything around us too.

I’m not sure I would’ve accepted that as a truth a few years ago. It makes me wonder about the connection between how we think and what is actually real.

Like…. Do we try to build a universe in our thoughts instead of going by what is actually there? And when we start thinking really hard, why we can’t we find “a universal reality”?

Perhaps there are some things that we know but not through thinking with our brain. Something innate… ooohhhhhhhhhhhh

I noticed I’ve been both very emotional and unemotional recently. Like…. I have been very worried for both my piano students to do well on their exams. They have both been procrastinating a lot and I just think I’ve been a terrible teacher all this time.

WHY AM I SUCH A LET-DOWN SOMETIMES?!??!?!

Anyways, I’ve been procrastinating and spending money way more recently. I bought chocolate from Purdy’s a few days ago, a large fries from this fast food place, and I’ve been having a real craving for a haircut.

Short hair is a pain in the neck sometimes… but I don’t have the commitment to grow it out.

I’m also not too sure if it really suits me in terms of looks, like maybe I looked better with longer hair. I do think, however, that short hair gives me a boost in creativity. Whenever I get a haircut I get to try something new, because no two haircuts are exactly alike. On top of that, my dad bought a pair of clippers and I have been secretly hoping to someday try it out.

In regards to university and things like that since I probably am going to have to start my applications this summer, I am VERY UNCERTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know if I’m going to be good enough for anything and I don’t even really know which universities I would even want to go to. There is also the added stress of facing the rejection of schools and not being the student the school wants me to be.

I don’t think I’m too stressed now, but I also think that I’m sitting on the tip on the side of a volcano, with the risk of falling into the volcano at anytime of getting blown up by a possible reaction. I don’t recall why I am sitting here, but like the view doesn’t bother me and I’ve made friends with a couple of pterodactyls that come visit me every so often.

There are people below who are trying to get me to climb down, but it’s unclear how I will be able to do that because I’m not wearing very good shoes and I’m not extremely athletic either.

That’s why I’m still up there. With a computer which I’m using to write this blog post.

I got it from the future.

Discovering little me

You know what I wonder?

I wonder what my younger self would think if she looked at me now.

She would look with curious eyes, probably not understanding all the things that happen to people as time goes on.

The world to her was an infinity. It was big, blue, and beautiful. In her dreams, she would think about someday living with the majestic lions that reigned over the grassy meadows, swinging from vine to vine in the lush amazon rain forest, climbing the world’s tallest mountains only to discover the beauty below, exploring the ancient ruins in Peru, and descending into the silence and darkness of a cave to feel the mystery in the void.

She was fueled by a  hope for the future and a belief that she could do huge things. She was inspired by the strength and bravery of superheros like Spiderman and Superman, the love and generosity of her parents and teachers, the community and curiosity of friends, and the calmness of nature.

She wanted to command the elements of the world as shown to her in pokemon, yugioh, bakugan, beyblade… And she was able to do so, one match, or one card at a time.

Innately, I think she recognized a deep force or power in everything. She trusted in the harmony of life, and the music that lives in everything.

Of course, she had moments when she looked the other way; when she realized the great existence of darkness and obscurity. She was frightened of it. She would scream and kick and do all that she could to turn around.

There were moments when she was punished for not giving her best at school, when she was looked down on, and made fun of, but she never wavered in her certainty that there was hope.

I wonder now how children could have such strength and courage to believe in love. I wonder because I have surrendered to the weight of the darkness. I have suffered with my mental health, my self-esteem…. and so many things I cannot name or remember.

Why does the spirit of childhood hide its face from my sight?

Am I looking the wrong way again, or is it something I can only see if I close my eyes?

Dear Diary, January 1st 2017

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning and I was having trouble breathing just like how I had a problem with that yesterday.  It was getting better since I was doing treatment for my crooked back and stuff like that. I sometimes wonder how it is that other people feel at this day and age… like are people my age the ones to go out and party all the time? Perhaps they have this big burning spirit and believe they can change the world? Maybe they are less sure of themselves just like me… Like… how do I understand people? I don’t think it’s that I don’t know how, but more like I am not in the right place to do that.

January 1st eh? New years resolution? Nah

That ‘s not something that I think the New Year has to be for. I mean…I did it before, but I feel like it kind of traps me into thinking that I have to stay consistent from the first day…. which is not consistent thinking…more like…. forced thinking. So instead, I’m going to start many times throughout the year. Even though I am not too much aware of how I am to other people, I do know how I feel to myself. The key thing is feeling and the process/experience of change is not always obvious at the beginning of the process. So maybe… I would… catch myself in the middle and continue on.

Something I think about is that I used to get super annoyed when people say something too painfully obvious as advice for me….like too cliché … I used to run away from that. Try to think less obvious…but also more obviously because I wanted to be natural at it, but I realized that there was a reason that the invention of those cliché were created and overused… like they do contain some truth but the emotional impact has kind of evaporated from their popularity.

I don’t have too too much to say:) but simple is good… I don’t have to burden my brain and yours by over explaining.

Happy New Year!