Frustrations

Well, despite feeling better right now due to a friend’s kindness and generosity, I feel like sharing my reflections about why I am feeling so frustrated recently. It’s like a dark cloud that has descended and decided that my head is the perfect place to make its nest...lol. Perhaps you would feel similarly or otherwise, get something out of it 🙂 If not, well, the following is an exhibit of a creature named the Georgia.

We live in a time of great worry and frustration, where many people, wanting to survive, run frantically from thing to thing, and place to place to meet the demands of their schedule, their peers, or their groups. It feels as if things are in constant motion and, if you are not in the flow of this, the perception of speed is somewhat in a distorted position. For example, crossing a road the other day when I was walking around in Vancouver, I was honked at by a driver and nudged to run across, so he or she could complete a left turn. While that may only have increased the time it took for me to walk by a second or two – I was relatively close to the other side-, every second was psychologically crucial for the driver as he or she had no choice but to conform to the enforced rules of the stoplights (the dwindling life of the green light). In a commercialized and quickened world, silence, time, space, and peace, seem to be privileges rather than rights.

When we do not have the chance to allow ourselves to risk being unproductive -in the capitalistic sense of this word- and give ourselves the the silence, time, space, and peace we need to recuperate, I am convinced that we would never really have the chance to achieve genuine connections with ourselves and the world around us. Mental Illness, the illness of our mind, spirit and body, is on the rise and, combined with other systematically-induced symptoms such as climate change, points to the decreasing health of the nature that keeps us alive and our fellow humans that surround us. The game of money and numbers, which people play for survival, is killing us for it has no basis on survival or reality itself, but the demands and inputs of those who play the game. Unfortunately, as soon as survival becomes the philosophy of someone else, rather than on the truth of what is, it becomes compromised according to the imperfections of how one thinks (and then people start talking about how your problems are just in your mind…perhaps in this way, they’re right).

Sorry for rambling…. I am covering a lot of things as they come to mind, which may sometimes be hard to follow. In sum, from the systemic level, what has been bothering me is the lack of consideration for people.

The context of where I’m at now also has an influence on how I’m being affected by what is going on around me. To put it frankly, I feel as though I am sitting on the brink of uncertainty, on the edge of a huge void named my future. This summer, I will effectively be transitioning from high school to my freshman year at university, and it is both an frightful and exciting time. In the void, I do not see any clear picture, but images in the clouds of the towering debt I will soon be buried under, the climate crisis I will have to live through, and the novelty of studying on the eastern side of North America. I am also nervous about how I will deal with the things that will become exposed to me, whether I am capable of making friends and whether things are going to be okay. Most of the forces both of the earth and of the supernatural leave me feeling a visceral defeat, while the excitement of traveling to study music at university gives me a reason to go on. It’s possible that the effects of the negatives and positives are amplified by my uncertainty, or maybe, what may be positive or negative have simply become real to me as a result (too often am I numbed by the routine of my life).

Where I’m at now, the game of money is like an inevitable game to participate in, because it at least helps towards the cause of lowering the tower of my student debt. I am determined, however, not to go into it just thinking about the money, because I don’t think I would do as well at doing my best job. I guess such acrobatics are just necessary in order to preserve your sense of self and well being.

I would love to alleviate my frustrations, but they sometimes appear inescapable. Sometimes, for certain things like climate change, I’ve accepted my frustration simply as the price needed to pay for awareness and action which has been defined. For other things such as being able to have friends as my life progresses, I find it hard to accept my frustration, because of my sheer uncertainty as to how to go about learning to become a better friend…

The more I scrutinize and evaluate things, the more life becomes filled with dissonances and questions, until it becomes thick and unclear. There’s so much of it and a lot is probably unnecessary! It’s natural for me to try to think of an agreeable way of trying to live with that, but I don’t think I will take my advice, as it doesn’t honestly reflect where I’m at now. I think I need to refresh myself and that can’t always happen with clever reasoning.

I’m just going to go listen to some music….

I drew Herbert von Karajan a couple of months ago! Listening to him now.

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