Discovering little me

You know what I wonder?

I wonder what my younger self would think if she looked at me now.

She would look with curious eyes, probably not understanding all the things that happen to people as time goes on.

The world to her was an infinity. It was big, blue, and beautiful. In her dreams, she would think about someday living with the majestic lions that reigned over the grassy meadows, swinging from vine to vine in the lush amazon rain forest, climbing the world’s tallest mountains only to discover the beauty below, exploring the ancient ruins in Peru, and descending into the silence and darkness of a cave to feel the mystery in the void.

She was fueled by a  hope for the future and a belief that she could do huge things. She was inspired by the strength and bravery of superheros like Spiderman and Superman, the love and generosity of her parents and teachers, the community and curiosity of friends, and the calmness of nature.

She wanted to command the elements of the world as shown to her in pokemon, yugioh, bakugan, beyblade… And she was able to do so, one match, or one card at a time.

Innately, I think she recognized a deep force or power in everything. She trusted in the harmony of life, and the music that lives in everything.

Of course, she had moments when she looked the other way; when she realized the great existence of darkness and obscurity. She was frightened of it. She would scream and kick and do all that she could to turn around.

There were moments when she was punished for not giving her best at school, when she was looked down on, and made fun of, but she never wavered in her certainty that there was hope.

I wonder now how children could have such strength and courage to believe in love. I wonder because I have surrendered to the weight of the darkness. I have suffered with my mental health, my self-esteem…. and so many things I cannot name or remember.

Why does the spirit of childhood hide its face from my sight?

Am I looking the wrong way again, or is it something I can only see if I close my eyes?

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