Category Archives: Thoughts

Frustrations

Well, despite feeling better right now due to a friend’s kindness and generosity, I feel like sharing my reflections about why I am feeling so frustrated recently. It’s like a dark cloud that has descended and decided that my head is the perfect place to make its nest...lol. Perhaps you would feel similarly or otherwise, get something out of it 🙂 If not, well, the following is an exhibit of a creature named the Georgia.

We live in a time of great worry and frustration, where many people, wanting to survive, run frantically from thing to thing, and place to place to meet the demands of their schedule, their peers, or their groups. It feels as if things are in constant motion and, if you are not in the flow of this, the perception of speed is somewhat in a distorted position. For example, crossing a road the other day when I was walking around in Vancouver, I was honked at by a driver and nudged to run across, so he or she could complete a left turn. While that may only have increased the time it took for me to walk by a second or two – I was relatively close to the other side-, every second was psychologically crucial for the driver as he or she had no choice but to conform to the enforced rules of the stoplights (the dwindling life of the green light). In a commercialized and quickened world, silence, time, space, and peace, seem to be privileges rather than rights.

When we do not have the chance to allow ourselves to risk being unproductive -in the capitalistic sense of this word- and give ourselves the the silence, time, space, and peace we need to recuperate, I am convinced that we would never really have the chance to achieve genuine connections with ourselves and the world around us. Mental Illness, the illness of our mind, spirit and body, is on the rise and, combined with other systematically-induced symptoms such as climate change, points to the decreasing health of the nature that keeps us alive and our fellow humans that surround us. The game of money and numbers, which people play for survival, is killing us for it has no basis on survival or reality itself, but the demands and inputs of those who play the game. Unfortunately, as soon as survival becomes the philosophy of someone else, rather than on the truth of what is, it becomes compromised according to the imperfections of how one thinks (and then people start talking about how your problems are just in your mind…perhaps in this way, they’re right).

Sorry for rambling…. I am covering a lot of things as they come to mind, which may sometimes be hard to follow. In sum, from the systemic level, what has been bothering me is the lack of consideration for people.

The context of where I’m at now also has an influence on how I’m being affected by what is going on around me. To put it frankly, I feel as though I am sitting on the brink of uncertainty, on the edge of a huge void named my future. This summer, I will effectively be transitioning from high school to my freshman year at university, and it is both an frightful and exciting time. In the void, I do not see any clear picture, but images in the clouds of the towering debt I will soon be buried under, the climate crisis I will have to live through, and the novelty of studying on the eastern side of North America. I am also nervous about how I will deal with the things that will become exposed to me, whether I am capable of making friends and whether things are going to be okay. Most of the forces both of the earth and of the supernatural leave me feeling a visceral defeat, while the excitement of traveling to study music at university gives me a reason to go on. It’s possible that the effects of the negatives and positives are amplified by my uncertainty, or maybe, what may be positive or negative have simply become real to me as a result (too often am I numbed by the routine of my life).

Where I’m at now, the game of money is like an inevitable game to participate in, because it at least helps towards the cause of lowering the tower of my student debt. I am determined, however, not to go into it just thinking about the money, because I don’t think I would do as well at doing my best job. I guess such acrobatics are just necessary in order to preserve your sense of self and well being.

I would love to alleviate my frustrations, but they sometimes appear inescapable. Sometimes, for certain things like climate change, I’ve accepted my frustration simply as the price needed to pay for awareness and action which has been defined. For other things such as being able to have friends as my life progresses, I find it hard to accept my frustration, because of my sheer uncertainty as to how to go about learning to become a better friend…

The more I scrutinize and evaluate things, the more life becomes filled with dissonances and questions, until it becomes thick and unclear. There’s so much of it and a lot is probably unnecessary! It’s natural for me to try to think of an agreeable way of trying to live with that, but I don’t think I will take my advice, as it doesn’t honestly reflect where I’m at now. I think I need to refresh myself and that can’t always happen with clever reasoning.

I’m just going to go listen to some music….

I drew Herbert von Karajan a couple of months ago! Listening to him now.

Dear Diary June 13, 2018: Star Signs

Dear Diary.

My mom told me the other day that the current star signs might be reason for a lot of the negative things that have happened recently.

Some examples include my dad getting a swollen eye yesterday after his basketball game, my little cousin running away and somehow using his super sharp memory to navigate through the roads to get to a city he visited before, my grandma and her(I’m assuming) allergic reaction, the passing away of a family member, and many other things that I probably should not talk about.

I was a little surprised that she took the stars as an explanation, but there just seemed to be no other ones. How can something so far away have an impact on us here?

It was imply a kind of interconnection or interrelationship between everything in the universe. Like we all contain some sort of nebulous power that runs through and in everything around us too.

I’m not sure I would’ve accepted that as a truth a few years ago. It makes me wonder about the connection between how we think and what is actually real.

Like…. Do we try to build a universe in our thoughts instead of going by what is actually there? And when we start thinking really hard, why we can’t we find “a universal reality”?

Perhaps there are some things that we know but not through thinking with our brain. Something innate… ooohhhhhhhhhhhh

I noticed I’ve been both very emotional and unemotional recently. Like…. I have been very worried for both my piano students to do well on their exams. They have both been procrastinating a lot and I just think I’ve been a terrible teacher all this time.

WHY AM I SUCH A LET-DOWN SOMETIMES?!??!?!

Anyways, I’ve been procrastinating and spending money way more recently. I bought chocolate from Purdy’s a few days ago, a large fries from this fast food place, and I’ve been having a real craving for a haircut.

Short hair is a pain in the neck sometimes… but I don’t have the commitment to grow it out.

I’m also not too sure if it really suits me in terms of looks, like maybe I looked better with longer hair. I do think, however, that short hair gives me a boost in creativity. Whenever I get a haircut I get to try something new, because no two haircuts are exactly alike. On top of that, my dad bought a pair of clippers and I have been secretly hoping to someday try it out.

In regards to university and things like that since I probably am going to have to start my applications this summer, I am VERY UNCERTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know if I’m going to be good enough for anything and I don’t even really know which universities I would even want to go to. There is also the added stress of facing the rejection of schools and not being the student the school wants me to be.

I don’t think I’m too stressed now, but I also think that I’m sitting on the tip on the side of a volcano, with the risk of falling into the volcano at anytime of getting blown up by a possible reaction. I don’t recall why I am sitting here, but like the view doesn’t bother me and I’ve made friends with a couple of pterodactyls that come visit me every so often.

There are people below who are trying to get me to climb down, but it’s unclear how I will be able to do that because I’m not wearing very good shoes and I’m not extremely athletic either.

That’s why I’m still up there. With a computer which I’m using to write this blog post.

I got it from the future.

Discovering little me

You know what I wonder?

I wonder what my younger self would think if she looked at me now.

She would look with curious eyes, probably not understanding all the things that happen to people as time goes on.

The world to her was an infinity. It was big, blue, and beautiful. In her dreams, she would think about someday living with the majestic lions that reigned over the grassy meadows, swinging from vine to vine in the lush amazon rain forest, climbing the world’s tallest mountains only to discover the beauty below, exploring the ancient ruins in Peru, and descending into the silence and darkness of a cave to feel the mystery in the void.

She was fueled by a  hope for the future and a belief that she could do huge things. She was inspired by the strength and bravery of superheros like Spiderman and Superman, the love and generosity of her parents and teachers, the community and curiosity of friends, and the calmness of nature.

She wanted to command the elements of the world as shown to her in pokemon, yugioh, bakugan, beyblade… And she was able to do so, one match, or one card at a time.

Innately, I think she recognized a deep force or power in everything. She trusted in the harmony of life, and the music that lives in everything.

Of course, she had moments when she looked the other way; when she realized the great existence of darkness and obscurity. She was frightened of it. She would scream and kick and do all that she could to turn around.

There were moments when she was punished for not giving her best at school, when she was looked down on, and made fun of, but she never wavered in her certainty that there was hope.

I wonder now how children could have such strength and courage to believe in love. I wonder because I have surrendered to the weight of the darkness. I have suffered with my mental health, my self-esteem…. and so many things I cannot name or remember.

Why does the spirit of childhood hide its face from my sight?

Am I looking the wrong way again, or is it something I can only see if I close my eyes?

Dear Diary, January 1st 2017

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning and I was having trouble breathing just like how I had a problem with that yesterday.  It was getting better since I was doing treatment for my crooked back and stuff like that. I sometimes wonder how it is that other people feel at this day and age… like are people my age the ones to go out and party all the time? Perhaps they have this big burning spirit and believe they can change the world? Maybe they are less sure of themselves just like me… Like… how do I understand people? I don’t think it’s that I don’t know how, but more like I am not in the right place to do that.

January 1st eh? New years resolution? Nah

That ‘s not something that I think the New Year has to be for. I mean…I did it before, but I feel like it kind of traps me into thinking that I have to stay consistent from the first day…. which is not consistent thinking…more like…. forced thinking. So instead, I’m going to start many times throughout the year. Even though I am not too much aware of how I am to other people, I do know how I feel to myself. The key thing is feeling and the process/experience of change is not always obvious at the beginning of the process. So maybe… I would… catch myself in the middle and continue on.

Something I think about is that I used to get super annoyed when people say something too painfully obvious as advice for me….like too cliché … I used to run away from that. Try to think less obvious…but also more obviously because I wanted to be natural at it, but I realized that there was a reason that the invention of those cliché were created and overused… like they do contain some truth but the emotional impact has kind of evaporated from their popularity.

I don’t have too too much to say:) but simple is good… I don’t have to burden my brain and yours by over explaining.

Happy New Year!

 

The Issue with Creativity

Creativity, the act of making amazing things and surrendering yourself to the influences of universe, was at least for me, one of the things I woke up everyday to experience. I always had something innovative I could do with a tissue box  or something I just HAD to write down into a story. It was not only natural for me, but it was something I loved, because I knew there would be people who would be able to feel the same way upon experiencing my creations; there would be people who would take the time and understand.

Lately, it’s been just the opposite, which is probably why I haven’t found the motivation or energy to create a blog post about anything for a very long time.

So why have I decided to do one today?

Well, I woke up today to find the most blue sky ever and the most vibrant painted leaves of autumn.

“The sun is out and I feel like I have so much potential”

I felt refreshed, but I had a feeling that it would be temporary, so I decided to spare some of all of the new energy I have into making a blog post to address this issue before I run out of the necessary resources to.

Let me get some things straight by stating a few things I think contributes to the issue with creativity(of course…. I’m not exactly sure if I can point out the exact source just yet, but here goes..)

And also, they are not all my ideas(although a bunch are)… I’ve had some great teachers 😀

  1. The Education System
  2. Success in society

The education system is something that strives towards objectives with a lack of regard to the natural person. It is a system that is meant to organize information by converting elements such as ability, thinking, and creating into synthetic material such as statistics, which puts such a massive weight or focus on teachers, handlers of all those delicately natural features, to try to make up the most “accurate” summary of a person’s ability.

As I’ve learned in mathematics, you gotta compare apple to apple. Creatures to numbers is a bit of a stretch…

I read this wonderful book called “Scythe” recently. In the book there is a “perfect” society in which death is conquered, so as a result, Scythes, a division of people that are supposed to appeal to the highest moral values, are chosen to kill people without bias in order to maintain the civilization and prevent overpopulation. A few things are emphasized about scythes:

  1. They are NECESSARY
  2. They are for the better good of humanity
  3. They are in charge of the task of putting someone to death

So if a perfect society is one where death is conquered, why must it be necessary for the good of humanity to put someone to death?

Teachers are much like Scythes, because of they are necessary(people need to be educated to live well in society today), they are for the better good of their students, yet they deal with the conversion of living things’ abilities into synthetic data.

To make it work, they must have a serious respect for the natural process and elements of the living, which is so hard to do because the teachers themselves are under the pressure of their unions or organization(I don’t know too much about this.. but I have a feeling that this is correct) to complete curriculum and to finish marking and to assign percentages to their students.

There is so much pressure on everyone to make a system like this work. So much that seems… strange that I smell something fishy. Who is(are) the bastard(s) who is(are) playing with us, their little video game characters?!

See… a problem with life is that it can be held against you. It’s seen as a possession, an owing to society.

And Success in society… that was the second thing I was going to talk about right?(scrolls up*) Oh Yeah..!

There are a few things I don’t really understand about people and how they view success. To make it easier to organize, here’s another list:

  1. The necessity of hard work
  2. Fear of the subjective

So starting with hard work. Why must this be a requirement for people? I think it’s important to develop the patience to do tasks, but not without regard to things that put people in the right place to be able to work hard..etc. I’ve heard WAY TOO MANY inspirational speeches that take an easy way out by just mentioning practice or hard work as the whole solution. Nobody mentions how to get into the state of being able to work hard except to keep trying.

Here’s the thing about trying to gain anything… muscle mass, skill, patience…etc. you don’t just approach the task head on and keep ramming yourself against the wall. You gotta do things a bit differently each time.

In physics, there is a rule that if the same forces in the same circumstance act in the same way, you are going to get the same product, solution… whatever. Now, I know there are always factors that are changing so you might be thinking that my stating of this rule really doesn’t apply, but don’t always be thinking in absolutes.

“There are always possibilities, because there are more cards in play than can be seen”

My point is that it is important to learn how to observe things and use our energy economically and efficiently while maintaining a more free mind. Sometimes, you may have already accomplished the task without your realization of it.  A quote I found from a lot of different books on health in the library:

“You don’t need to be a cardiologist to have a working heart”

A lot of the times, people are just trying to get the work done. They are deprived of space and of freedom to reflect or think about their own circumstances(troubles, contradictions, problems, happiness…etc). Some people just feel trapped. Persistence in hard work(if the goal is trying to get your life back…because it can be held against you), values of speed of completion, time management… sometimes are just as easy way out of hard things.

Now, the last point I was going to bring up in this category(Success in Society) is about the fear of the subjective, but it ties in with the overall topic more than that category, so I might as well just incorporate the two.

Okay, we got a job, we got money rolling in, we are surviving, we have a house, we have enough to pay off tax, loans, whatever… We turn to objectives to organize our life. As mentioned before, objectives can be pretty far from the truth. So why don’t we turn to the subjective?

WAIT NO! That’s going to be ANARCHY!!! Things have to be organized or we are going to be in great danger!

A few questions:

  1. What makes art subjective?
  2. Is art supposed to be subjective?

According to google, subjective means: based on or influenced by personal feelings, tastes, or opinions

Art is subjective because many of us have different reactions to different things we see.

The second question is a bit harder… lets break it down into some smaller categories

  1. Greatness of art
  2. Experience of art

Greatness of art is not subjective in that it is not merely an opinion if it is great. It is great because there is the existence of subjectivity about it; it brings forth the most powerful experiences out of its genius.

I hate the play Macbeth! It sucks!

Cool. Your opinion doesn’t make it less great. Shakespeare’s play, Macbeth stood the test of time. Do you think you can compete?

To conclude, because I’ve been rambling for a very very long time. I’m not even sure that we can support the amount of creativity needed to make huge masterpieces or works. It’s our culture, something everyone is almost always at the mercy of.

I’m  not sure I can offer a solution for the system, or for anyone else but myself at this point. This is a work in progress. I will continue this brainstorm in the future…

 

2016/2017: Thoughts and Explorations

New year… already?

It is true as much as it is false.

So much has changed, I can only hope that I don’t come up exposed to what I have done and what I have been through, because believe me…. I have done a lot of things that I would now deem to be stupid although that….

is true as much as it is false.

There are reasons for things that are beyond our control and reasons that we cannot explain. There are even things whose reasons are the things themselves.

The only importance is to understand that there are reasons, which also, not to seem to repetitive, but is true as much as it is false.

I think this year is of a special significance to me because I believe that I do not have to prove my capabilities to myself anymore.

As a person, I think I am quite rebellious if I do not believe that what is demanded of me does not come from a sincere place, or that it is useful, however, I do not think merely like that and it is necessary to point out that my explanation does not fulfill the whole purpose it is representing.

I mean… if we were to understand everything to the most thorough, sincere extent, it would be the same as understanding nothing, because we would not be able to have the notion of better and worse(human understanding is based towards ideas and how other impacts might effect those ideas). In other words, it goes beyond the capabilities of the human. Anyways, -back to the thing I was trying to explain- I do think, however, that sometimes it’s good to do things that might not be desirable, because they are able to get you somewhere desirable; a part of life really is about experience, which does not limit itself to just the positives. That said, sometimes you don’t know if you are actually in touch with yourself and your environment, and at least for me, that’s where the rebellious part came in.

I’m the kind of person who would think a lot about doing something before they do it -if I know enough about the subject. In the cases that I don’t know enough, I would question my impulsiveness. I’m not the kind of person who goes easy on their mistakes although, I do believe mistakes and contradictions are crucial parts of life. In most cases, I would try to justify them if I felt necessary, but over the past year, I realized how important it was to admit your mistakes so you can let go of the weight they have on your life. We all notice our mistakes especially when it goes against our reputation and beliefs, but we don’t always have a great view of their impact on us and others. Probably one of the hardest things that I had to learn how to do was to accept contradiction; there are no absolutes.

And that’s pretty much all off the top of my head, although I’m sure there are more. It’s much more worth it to live by your opinions rather than just keep it a brain thing, which makes all the little words here big, just by being true all the way through. I guess it’s just a matter of finding the right perspective for each person.

If it is effortlessly true,

sometimes, you don’t need to worry about error:)

(which is the best for the spirit, but of course…. human nature always has some complications…)

The Evolution into Now; The Coming of my Cousin from China

This was a long-anticipated event that was going to happen finally this summer. We had visited them a few times prior in China and had gotten along very well with each other. The energy to ask them excitedly, was one that resembled the kind of energy elementary school kids(or at least I had in elementary) contained at the mention of a sleepover with friends. It was the most thrilling idea I had ever heard of and so after a few years of repeatedly asking them to come, they finally agreed.

My cousin(it’s singular, not plural, like the mistake I made last post) is around the age of my little sis -maybe a bit younger. She’s super cute and super smart too. Being depressed at the time that they came, I tried my very best to be accommodating and excited. The feeling of excitement was faintly with me at the time, which was already a lot, but doing what I did naturally would have required much more.

Yeah… I admit it. The reason my health issue had remained for 4 years was because there always appeared to be something that was so much more… important than to deal with it. The fact that it stayed for that long is a sign that I had not made the right decision. When they came, I did what I always did when I met with someone I respected, hadn’t seen for a long time, or I wanted to feel better with themselves; I tried to hide it.

And let me tell you, it was NOT successful. Initially, I had been able to swallow the phlegm/spit….whatever you want to call it, but it slowly became more impossible, to the point that I felt like I was suffocating. I tried keeping it all in my mouth until I had the chance to spit it out, but more and more were built up and I had no choice but to spit it out wherever…whenever. It always makes me feel a little bit hopeless when that happened and I had thoughts that it would stay with me forever. The confused looks of our visiting family members really heightened that and I eventually broke down. I was both incredibly ashamed and incredibly regretful.

One day, my aunt sat me down and we had a talk about my problems, which surprised me. She talked simply and patiently, which made me hopeful and curious at the same time. We talked about elementary school kids in china and their huge homework loads and how people cope with stress in their lives. We talked about passion and hobbies -she asked me what mine was and I was so depressed at the time, I didn’t know. She shared with me her stories of depression, stress…etc and how I had to focus on the positive times. It made me realize the extent of how much I criticized and ignored the positive messages from the media. The ones that say… “Be Yourself” or the ones about empowerment… all the messages that always seemed too simplistic or too repetitive or too unexplored.

I realized they were true and that meant that complex doesn’t mean better.

My aunt helped me uncover the previously buried idea of seeking help and seeking change, which by the way, is not something that can always be forced to happen all the time -use your judgement because sometimes, the media, who often says these things, doesn’t always have one that fits you. There is a time and place for everything too.

We went on trips everyday around the part of the world we lived in and seeing them look in curiosity at the ordinary features of my life really made me smile. Seeing my depressed actions around that time, however, also triggered something in my mom, who decided to take initiative and go searching for a doctor to help me in my case. It really was cause and effect. The move to seek help started the chain reaction….or maybe it was my reaction to my cousin coming that triggered her reaction. Nah, I’m going to quit thinking right here. Life’s nothing but a chain of reactions, changing, blossoming, or fading into different things.

As Stephen Hawking says,

It’s physics.

It’s a simple world. We don’t have to make it so complicated.

 


Yup, that was a line, but about the haircut…. (it’s my blog so I’m gonna do what I want ;D )

Miley Cyrus undercut?

Or maybe something longer?

idk

I’m thinking about it.

I’ll explain why this is relevant soon 🙂

The Evolution into Now(Possible series?)

Well, I am here, I suppose.

How are you? Are you doing doing okay?

Are you happy?

I guess I am… after the longest time. I FEEL happy. It feels great not to just experience emotions in theory, but rather, in reality.

As I’m writing this on my laptop, I see in the corner of my eye a comfortable glow of sunlight from my window, which lights up the whole room and brings energy into it. I am breathing easy, something I haven’t been able to do for such a long time, I’ve forgotten what it feel to be able to do that until now.

I am calm, I am rested, and it is absolutely amazing to see the sunlight hit the earth in this view; the world feels a few shades lighter.

If you have known me in the last four years or so, you would know that I have an incredibly annoying spitting problem. I had to spit every few moment to liberate myself from feeling like I was being suffocated, which was not -as you could probably see- much more than a gesture that would recycle the need to spit again; it was a trap.

Well, little did I know that it was affecting me much more than just my ability to breathe. It was affecting my mood, the functions of my body systems, and maybe even my posture. I am learning how the brain reacts to illness, rather than the illness to the brain(It wasn’t just that I kept thinking about the illness that made it occur, but that the illness made my brain think about it), which brings me freedom from being at fault for creating such a miserable experience for myself.

Now that I think of it, there were a few things(or events) that helped me and will continue to help me to discover reality and happiness(not in order of importance or anything). The list is not limited, however, to:

  1. The coming of my cousins from China
  2. The death of Carrot
  3. The commitment to try (support from my parents)
  4. The influence of Miley Cyrus and all my amazing friends
  5. The rediscovery of the state of being yourself

I might decide to make a series out of this and dedicate a post to explain each of the 5… or who knows how many there will be… nothing is set in stone.

For those of you wondering how I even have the time to do this, I am not in summer school. I am spending the summer to recover and do some treatment.

And maybe get a new haircut ;P

Dear Life

Hey Everyone, I’m doing a collaboration with one of my friends on a series called “Dear You” It’s a storytelling thing on Quotev.com and her username is @deathnozomi so go and check it out! Here’s an example:

Dear Life,

Isn’t it funny how people keep asking how you are even though you don’t really share any familiarities with anyone. Am I not the one that feels your journeys and not the other way around? Am I not the one who is experiencing? And they tell me that you are good; that you are you.

What is the matter in which I hold in my grasp? Is it fairy dust? Yet you hold me from spreading my wings with your gravitational suction, that has forever captured me in my wake. The turning of the tides have been learned tragedies, my friend, that sweeps my powder away and away.

I visited the cemetery last autumn evening, and there must’ve been a reason that the area had been cleared of trees and other strangers to my eye. It is all there, the pale face of the rising moon, the named deceased, and the mighty starry purple sky that freezes me. The shadows, although some are moved with the trees, still remain in an aura of the energy in the soil reminding me that you have failed to teach me with your mysterious ways; its integrity or mine.

Mighty life, how were you able to keep us here in our ways in the midst of other ways. I beg you, your highness, give mercy to the spirits that hold the unknown……and the known who cannot see what they lack. It is always the resort to succumb to the unknown, for if one were to succumb it would have to be to something greater, which I turn to you on, unless I am any great of the greatness you are.

Is it worth, my dear friend? Do you see it or do you only sense an endless drive of continuum in this universe? Every scar, every bone, and all the layers of my skin cannot just be one of fairy dust. I believe I hold in my figure energy and power. When I clench my fist, I can sense the warmth of my energy, my light, and when I stand, I can feel my connection with the earth. I refuse to accept that this is deception, for all the glory I can recall is of this miraculous nature. It is my account and my curiosity that keeps me an honest being, but you tell me that this is a lie and that this integrity is only made up of the few cells in my brain. If so, take them away, for I must learn the truth and in a wickedly ironic sense, I feel I must be you.

 

And so I can…

I am living aren’t I…

The Autumn Air

As the day glows brighter, I can’t help but notice the new style of sunlight that had landed on the leaves of our neighbour’s tree. The leaves, extracting the color of the sun, patiently sway in the breeze and the tree itself stands humbly in satisfaction. There is an aroma of sweet earth that wanders around the neighbourhood, making way for a richer radiance in which Autumn prides itself on in the dawn of winter, when it disappears to paint a new picture of blue and white. It carries news of thanksgiving dinner,Halloween thrill, but only in the last glimpses of its tail can you sense a deep longing. A nostalgic bitterness of truth that we now can only experience the coming seasons and a deep desire for childhood purity. The temperature is cooled, but the colorful leaves, ever-swaying on my neighbour’s tree reminds me of the tranquil security when my mother first took me to kindergarten almost a decade ago. Hand in hand, we walked along the never ending trails of fallen leaves to the gateway of my current present, where I am but an observer of space and it’s totality.