Category Archives: Series

The Evolution into Now; The Death of Carrot

This is definitely beyond what I’m comfortable writing about, maybe because it really exposes who I am as a person, but the meaning’s slightly changed since it happened -probably because I’ve been re-watching and re-reading all the movies/books of the hunger games.

It only shows of myself of a coward, of something useless, of something so incredibly helpless. I mean… in some ways, it’s showed me that I’m opposite of those traits; something much more positive and strong, but those were not exactly what sparked the revolution if you know what I mean.

I could’ve brought her to the hospital sooner. I know that if I had only just ruptured up the courage to do it the day before, or if I didn’t think of all her symptoms as part of “getting old”, maybe there would have been a fighting chance.

She seemed optimistic. Her bright eyes, and her appetite were normal. She made me feel safe, but some part of me believes that maybe that was just part of being the animal that she was conditioned to be in nature; prey. The way that she would attempt to pretend as if everything was alright makes me think that she might have been doing it for us, and just realizing afterwards was not okay.

I was scared of her.

That was not okay.

The way she would suddenly jerk or suddenly run around, bumping into all the corners of the cage, and then losing her balance and starting to squeak for help.

I want to say that I tried to comfort her.

I want to say that I was there by her side.

I can’t.

I couldn’t bare to watch her do all of that, to look into her eyes and see that they were listless, to see her have no control over her actions.

I was scared to send her to the hospital alone and handle paying for it and bringing her home.

Why was I scared of her?

Why couldn’t I be more scared for her?

We did eventually bring her to the vet, only to hear that she is in pain, has lost 13% of her body weight, and will be gone the next day. We were given some options…. to euthanize her at the hospital or to give her a shot that would free her from any pain for 24 hours. I was told that I was a good owner.

How?

I couldn’t accept that and I wasn’t sure why they said that to me. Maybe it was to make me feel better…

Maybe the euthanasia shot was the better choice, but I wasn’t sure if letting her die in the hospital was the right decision, but I was scared of bringing her back home and seeing her die there.

The doctor suggested that she get the painkiller shot, and that we could take her home to say our last goodbyes.

I couldn’t disagree, but maybe it was because I felt guilty of how I felt before or what I did before. I wish I knew what would be right for her, but it’s impossible.

So we brought her home and put her in a clean cage. She began kicking soon after, with her head looking like it was suffocating under the giant pile of bedding on top of it. She was on her side, her eyes wide open, kicking and jerking vigorously.

I knew because I was there.

We were all there.

I was crying and wiping my face on my t-shirt because part of me didn’t want to leave. I wanted to be there for Carrot.

My cousin, who had just come from China and my sister were also by my side, and I also felt extremely bad that I had to get them to see Carrot struggling like that. I guess I wanted to stay, but I went to the park instead and played badminton with them.

It made me happy again… but very temporarily. I mean….. It was two major events side by side; previous day: Arrival of cousins, and the next day: the Dying of Carrot. I felt extremely bi-polar.

Soon, I had no clue what to even feel.

When we returned, I saw Carrot lying very still. My dad was playing soft music in the background…. a practice he learned in his religious studies. He sang to her for many hours beside my mom, who felt that it would be right if she was there.

I thought she died. I was in shock.

Of course, I found out right before bed that the practice was only really applied to the dying as it’s aim was to help the dying die peacefully.

I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours that night. The mattress just didn’t feel comfortable. I woke up repeatedly, until I finally exited my room and went to sleep with my parents on their bed, which was really only big enough for 2 people.

There, I felt a sense of security, knowing that if anything were to happen, my parents would be there to protect me. I slept uncomfortably, but I still slept because I felt safe.

Everything will be alright I thought over and over again. The more I repeated it, the more it all made sense… but not quite yet… not that I could even try to put it into words just yet.

I woke up either at 5:30, or 6:30, having barely slept, and I went downstairs with my parents to find Carrot had passed away. Her eyes were nearly closed like she was sleeping, but I knew she would never wake up again.

I went to try to write her a poem, but with my depressed brain, nothing that I wrote was good enough for her.

I eventually did write something , that was made into a paper crane and is lying next to her right now. It’s still not very good…. but I had to write it in time for her burial.

Still, to this day, I don’t know if she died “the right way”. Sure, you could argue that everything that will happen is supposed to happen, but even so…. we should still assume responsibility right? What did I know was right anyways? I couldn’t think.

This intense feeling of empathy towards Carrot…. even if it wasn’t accurate, really led me to realize how connected everything in the world is and how harmoniously nature and the universe is composed.  To be able to feel is a magical thing.

My aunts words that reminded me to look at the positive stuff, resonates with me today. It’s a common saying….. but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

The type of magic I saw in living things, in all things really is the part that is miraculous and for that reason,

Dear, dear Carrot,

Who’s fur shined liked magic of life, of magic itself, and who was magic,

Rest in Peace.

The Evolution into Now; The Coming of my Cousin from China

This was a long-anticipated event that was going to happen finally this summer. We had visited them a few times prior in China and had gotten along very well with each other. The energy to ask them excitedly, was one that resembled the kind of energy elementary school kids(or at least I had in elementary) contained at the mention of a sleepover with friends. It was the most thrilling idea I had ever heard of and so after a few years of repeatedly asking them to come, they finally agreed.

My cousin(it’s singular, not plural, like the mistake I made last post) is around the age of my little sis -maybe a bit younger. She’s super cute and super smart too. Being depressed at the time that they came, I tried my very best to be accommodating and excited. The feeling of excitement was faintly with me at the time, which was already a lot, but doing what I did naturally would have required much more.

Yeah… I admit it. The reason my health issue had remained for 4 years was because there always appeared to be something that was so much more… important than to deal with it. The fact that it stayed for that long is a sign that I had not made the right decision. When they came, I did what I always did when I met with someone I respected, hadn’t seen for a long time, or I wanted to feel better with themselves; I tried to hide it.

And let me tell you, it was NOT successful. Initially, I had been able to swallow the phlegm/spit….whatever you want to call it, but it slowly became more impossible, to the point that I felt like I was suffocating. I tried keeping it all in my mouth until I had the chance to spit it out, but more and more were built up and I had no choice but to spit it out wherever…whenever. It always makes me feel a little bit hopeless when that happened and I had thoughts that it would stay with me forever. The confused looks of our visiting family members really heightened that and I eventually broke down. I was both incredibly ashamed and incredibly regretful.

One day, my aunt sat me down and we had a talk about my problems, which surprised me. She talked simply and patiently, which made me hopeful and curious at the same time. We talked about elementary school kids in china and their huge homework loads and how people cope with stress in their lives. We talked about passion and hobbies -she asked me what mine was and I was so depressed at the time, I didn’t know. She shared with me her stories of depression, stress…etc and how I had to focus on the positive times. It made me realize the extent of how much I criticized and ignored the positive messages from the media. The ones that say… “Be Yourself” or the ones about empowerment… all the messages that always seemed too simplistic or too repetitive or too unexplored.

I realized they were true and that meant that complex doesn’t mean better.

My aunt helped me uncover the previously buried idea of seeking help and seeking change, which by the way, is not something that can always be forced to happen all the time -use your judgement because sometimes, the media, who often says these things, doesn’t always have one that fits you. There is a time and place for everything too.

We went on trips everyday around the part of the world we lived in and seeing them look in curiosity at the ordinary features of my life really made me smile. Seeing my depressed actions around that time, however, also triggered something in my mom, who decided to take initiative and go searching for a doctor to help me in my case. It really was cause and effect. The move to seek help started the chain reaction….or maybe it was my reaction to my cousin coming that triggered her reaction. Nah, I’m going to quit thinking right here. Life’s nothing but a chain of reactions, changing, blossoming, or fading into different things.

As Stephen Hawking says,

It’s physics.

It’s a simple world. We don’t have to make it so complicated.

 


Yup, that was a line, but about the haircut…. (it’s my blog so I’m gonna do what I want ;D )

Miley Cyrus undercut?

Or maybe something longer?

idk

I’m thinking about it.

I’ll explain why this is relevant soon 🙂

The Evolution into Now(Possible series?)

Well, I am here, I suppose.

How are you? Are you doing doing okay?

Are you happy?

I guess I am… after the longest time. I FEEL happy. It feels great not to just experience emotions in theory, but rather, in reality.

As I’m writing this on my laptop, I see in the corner of my eye a comfortable glow of sunlight from my window, which lights up the whole room and brings energy into it. I am breathing easy, something I haven’t been able to do for such a long time, I’ve forgotten what it feel to be able to do that until now.

I am calm, I am rested, and it is absolutely amazing to see the sunlight hit the earth in this view; the world feels a few shades lighter.

If you have known me in the last four years or so, you would know that I have an incredibly annoying spitting problem. I had to spit every few moment to liberate myself from feeling like I was being suffocated, which was not -as you could probably see- much more than a gesture that would recycle the need to spit again; it was a trap.

Well, little did I know that it was affecting me much more than just my ability to breathe. It was affecting my mood, the functions of my body systems, and maybe even my posture. I am learning how the brain reacts to illness, rather than the illness to the brain(It wasn’t just that I kept thinking about the illness that made it occur, but that the illness made my brain think about it), which brings me freedom from being at fault for creating such a miserable experience for myself.

Now that I think of it, there were a few things(or events) that helped me and will continue to help me to discover reality and happiness(not in order of importance or anything). The list is not limited, however, to:

  1. The coming of my cousins from China
  2. The death of Carrot
  3. The commitment to try (support from my parents)
  4. The influence of Miley Cyrus and all my amazing friends
  5. The rediscovery of the state of being yourself

I might decide to make a series out of this and dedicate a post to explain each of the 5… or who knows how many there will be… nothing is set in stone.

For those of you wondering how I even have the time to do this, I am not in summer school. I am spending the summer to recover and do some treatment.

And maybe get a new haircut ;P