Category Archives: In the Life

Frustrations

Well, despite feeling better right now due to a friend’s kindness and generosity, I feel like sharing my reflections about why I am feeling so frustrated recently. It’s like a dark cloud that has descended and decided that my head is the perfect place to make its nest...lol. Perhaps you would feel similarly or otherwise, get something out of it 🙂 If not, well, the following is an exhibit of a creature named the Georgia.

We live in a time of great worry and frustration, where many people, wanting to survive, run frantically from thing to thing, and place to place to meet the demands of their schedule, their peers, or their groups. It feels as if things are in constant motion and, if you are not in the flow of this, the perception of speed is somewhat in a distorted position. For example, crossing a road the other day when I was walking around in Vancouver, I was honked at by a driver and nudged to run across, so he or she could complete a left turn. While that may only have increased the time it took for me to walk by a second or two – I was relatively close to the other side-, every second was psychologically crucial for the driver as he or she had no choice but to conform to the enforced rules of the stoplights (the dwindling life of the green light). In a commercialized and quickened world, silence, time, space, and peace, seem to be privileges rather than rights.

When we do not have the chance to allow ourselves to risk being unproductive -in the capitalistic sense of this word- and give ourselves the the silence, time, space, and peace we need to recuperate, I am convinced that we would never really have the chance to achieve genuine connections with ourselves and the world around us. Mental Illness, the illness of our mind, spirit and body, is on the rise and, combined with other systematically-induced symptoms such as climate change, points to the decreasing health of the nature that keeps us alive and our fellow humans that surround us. The game of money and numbers, which people play for survival, is killing us for it has no basis on survival or reality itself, but the demands and inputs of those who play the game. Unfortunately, as soon as survival becomes the philosophy of someone else, rather than on the truth of what is, it becomes compromised according to the imperfections of how one thinks (and then people start talking about how your problems are just in your mind…perhaps in this way, they’re right).

Sorry for rambling…. I am covering a lot of things as they come to mind, which may sometimes be hard to follow. In sum, from the systemic level, what has been bothering me is the lack of consideration for people.

The context of where I’m at now also has an influence on how I’m being affected by what is going on around me. To put it frankly, I feel as though I am sitting on the brink of uncertainty, on the edge of a huge void named my future. This summer, I will effectively be transitioning from high school to my freshman year at university, and it is both an frightful and exciting time. In the void, I do not see any clear picture, but images in the clouds of the towering debt I will soon be buried under, the climate crisis I will have to live through, and the novelty of studying on the eastern side of North America. I am also nervous about how I will deal with the things that will become exposed to me, whether I am capable of making friends and whether things are going to be okay. Most of the forces both of the earth and of the supernatural leave me feeling a visceral defeat, while the excitement of traveling to study music at university gives me a reason to go on. It’s possible that the effects of the negatives and positives are amplified by my uncertainty, or maybe, what may be positive or negative have simply become real to me as a result (too often am I numbed by the routine of my life).

Where I’m at now, the game of money is like an inevitable game to participate in, because it at least helps towards the cause of lowering the tower of my student debt. I am determined, however, not to go into it just thinking about the money, because I don’t think I would do as well at doing my best job. I guess such acrobatics are just necessary in order to preserve your sense of self and well being.

I would love to alleviate my frustrations, but they sometimes appear inescapable. Sometimes, for certain things like climate change, I’ve accepted my frustration simply as the price needed to pay for awareness and action which has been defined. For other things such as being able to have friends as my life progresses, I find it hard to accept my frustration, because of my sheer uncertainty as to how to go about learning to become a better friend…

The more I scrutinize and evaluate things, the more life becomes filled with dissonances and questions, until it becomes thick and unclear. There’s so much of it and a lot is probably unnecessary! It’s natural for me to try to think of an agreeable way of trying to live with that, but I don’t think I will take my advice, as it doesn’t honestly reflect where I’m at now. I think I need to refresh myself and that can’t always happen with clever reasoning.

I’m just going to go listen to some music….

I drew Herbert von Karajan a couple of months ago! Listening to him now.

My Experience at the Orford Music Academy

Dear Diary,

I have been at the Orford Music Academy for a week now and it’s got to be one of the best weeks of my life!

I was incredibly nervous during my trip to get here last Sunday morning. I was also very very excited! When I boarded my plane to get to Montreal, I remember thinking to myself that this was going to be a very important week as it was my first time staying a week from home by myself for something music related! I was crying(as usual) on the flight at how amazing the opportunity would be to meet other students, professors, and have so many chances to do cool things like perform for others. I’m such a crybaby sometimes, but I can’t help it!

When I arrived at the airport, I hoped so much that things would go smoothly. I hoped that my luggage would come, that I would survive the trip, and that I would be able to find the shuttle that would take me to Orford. Everything went very smoothly!

When I got there, I unpacked in my dorm and I explored the whole campus; There was a practice building, a concert hall, a bistro(cafeteria), dormitories, and lots of trees and bugs.

There was a lot that happened! A brief summary in point form, because there were just too many things that happened

  1. I met my roommate, and she was so polite and friendly(thank goodness).
  2. The heat was definitely on! It was over 30 degrees the past few days and we had no a/c in the dorms.
  3. I practiced in the practice building a lot!
    1. There were mainly upright pianos there, but there were grand pianos in some rooms.
    2. My favorite piano was this concert Steinway grand, because I really liked its sound. Unfortunately, the white part of the keys were broken off in some places in the middle and it scratched me.
    3. I practiced more than I practice in a month probably! I was never focused on the time so I can’t tell you how much….or even approximately how much.
  4. I broke down into tears in some sort of panic attack(I think?) at a masterclass and realized that I needed to change my way of thinking.
  5. I made a lot of friends and discovered a faith in humanity!
  6. I read a book called the “Inner Game of Tennis”. SUCH A GOOD READ!!!! I RECOMMEND IT!
  7. I got a lot of mosquito bites.
  8. I realized that I was more prepared than I thought I was!
  9. I went hiking with a bunch of people and we took a bunch of pictures.
  10. I roasted marshmallows and hot dogs on the camp fire at night. SO GOOD!
  11. I watched a student concert in the concert hall(I was too unsure of myself to even ask whether I could perform).
  12. I barely got much sleep, but I’m fine with it!
  13. I went on a ride with my professor (for the week) to Magog and we had a nice conversation about life.
  14. I feel like I should go to the gym.
  15. I am writing on my blog right now.

There are definitely more cool things that happened this week, but I feel like I’m so in it right now! So….. I’m just going to go to the gym later……..

I’M SO HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so cool!

 

 

Reflecting on Grade 11 and Summer Bucket List

I cannot believe that grade 11 finished, but more so at how happy and excited I feel right now! I am super duper excited for the summer! In fact, a couple days ago, I was running around the house while waving my arms around like a crazy maniac. Also, I am perfectly fine with being a crazy person…. so THERE!!!!

So many things happened this year.  To list a few…

  • I found out I had anxiety
  • I thought that life was boring
  • Santa Claus gave me a hair straightener
  • My math teacher liked my math project
  • I survived physics class
  • I made some new friends
  • I developed an appreciation for puns
  • I saw a counselor for the first time(to help me with my mental health)
  • I discovered that I wasn’t being honest with myself
  • My teachers supported me and they actually care!!!!
  • I felt incredibly guilty when two of my teachers accepted late work and didn’t take off marks.
  • I gained back a friendship with my mom
  • I drew a portrait all by myself
  • I got to stay in touch with one of my teachers on social media!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • I looked through the yearbook and found a deep competitive energy looking at the sports teams: Now I want to play basketball a lot!!!
  • I discovered that I shouldn’t wait for a certain time(like the weekends for example) in order to allow myself to feel free and happy.
  • I stopped procrastinating in my piano practicing
  • and I became immensely hopeful for my future!

So what should I do during the summer? hmmmmmm

  • Enroll myself in a basketball summer camp.
    • Does anyone want to play basketball with me??????
  • I’m going to the Orford music academy in Quebec
    • I’ll try to practice my french and get inspired by others
  • I’m going to get a haircut at least once
  • Reach out to connect with friends
  • Draw a portrait of someone I find cool
  • Attempt to start a conversation with my teachers
  • Go to the beach to just chill
  • Write a bunch of random things on my blog
  • Do some research and support an important cause
  • Study some vocab
  • Go to downtown Vancouver
  • Listen to some classical music
  • ……etc..e..t.c..e.t.c.e.t..c…e….t…………c

So as you can see, I have lots of plans for the summer! The only thing is that my mom wants me to spend August studying for the SAT. Oh well. I guess I can’t do EVERYTHING I want. Whatever.

HAPPY SUMMER BREAK!!!!!!

Dear Diary June 13, 2018: Star Signs

Dear Diary.

My mom told me the other day that the current star signs might be reason for a lot of the negative things that have happened recently.

Some examples include my dad getting a swollen eye yesterday after his basketball game, my little cousin running away and somehow using his super sharp memory to navigate through the roads to get to a city he visited before, my grandma and her(I’m assuming) allergic reaction, the passing away of a family member, and many other things that I probably should not talk about.

I was a little surprised that she took the stars as an explanation, but there just seemed to be no other ones. How can something so far away have an impact on us here?

It was imply a kind of interconnection or interrelationship between everything in the universe. Like we all contain some sort of nebulous power that runs through and in everything around us too.

I’m not sure I would’ve accepted that as a truth a few years ago. It makes me wonder about the connection between how we think and what is actually real.

Like…. Do we try to build a universe in our thoughts instead of going by what is actually there? And when we start thinking really hard, why we can’t we find “a universal reality”?

Perhaps there are some things that we know but not through thinking with our brain. Something innate… ooohhhhhhhhhhhh

I noticed I’ve been both very emotional and unemotional recently. Like…. I have been very worried for both my piano students to do well on their exams. They have both been procrastinating a lot and I just think I’ve been a terrible teacher all this time.

WHY AM I SUCH A LET-DOWN SOMETIMES?!??!?!

Anyways, I’ve been procrastinating and spending money way more recently. I bought chocolate from Purdy’s a few days ago, a large fries from this fast food place, and I’ve been having a real craving for a haircut.

Short hair is a pain in the neck sometimes… but I don’t have the commitment to grow it out.

I’m also not too sure if it really suits me in terms of looks, like maybe I looked better with longer hair. I do think, however, that short hair gives me a boost in creativity. Whenever I get a haircut I get to try something new, because no two haircuts are exactly alike. On top of that, my dad bought a pair of clippers and I have been secretly hoping to someday try it out.

In regards to university and things like that since I probably am going to have to start my applications this summer, I am VERY UNCERTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know if I’m going to be good enough for anything and I don’t even really know which universities I would even want to go to. There is also the added stress of facing the rejection of schools and not being the student the school wants me to be.

I don’t think I’m too stressed now, but I also think that I’m sitting on the tip on the side of a volcano, with the risk of falling into the volcano at anytime of getting blown up by a possible reaction. I don’t recall why I am sitting here, but like the view doesn’t bother me and I’ve made friends with a couple of pterodactyls that come visit me every so often.

There are people below who are trying to get me to climb down, but it’s unclear how I will be able to do that because I’m not wearing very good shoes and I’m not extremely athletic either.

That’s why I’m still up there. With a computer which I’m using to write this blog post.

I got it from the future.

Dear Diary, January 1st 2017

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning and I was having trouble breathing just like how I had a problem with that yesterday.  It was getting better since I was doing treatment for my crooked back and stuff like that. I sometimes wonder how it is that other people feel at this day and age… like are people my age the ones to go out and party all the time? Perhaps they have this big burning spirit and believe they can change the world? Maybe they are less sure of themselves just like me… Like… how do I understand people? I don’t think it’s that I don’t know how, but more like I am not in the right place to do that.

January 1st eh? New years resolution? Nah

That ‘s not something that I think the New Year has to be for. I mean…I did it before, but I feel like it kind of traps me into thinking that I have to stay consistent from the first day…. which is not consistent thinking…more like…. forced thinking. So instead, I’m going to start many times throughout the year. Even though I am not too much aware of how I am to other people, I do know how I feel to myself. The key thing is feeling and the process/experience of change is not always obvious at the beginning of the process. So maybe… I would… catch myself in the middle and continue on.

Something I think about is that I used to get super annoyed when people say something too painfully obvious as advice for me….like too cliché … I used to run away from that. Try to think less obvious…but also more obviously because I wanted to be natural at it, but I realized that there was a reason that the invention of those cliché were created and overused… like they do contain some truth but the emotional impact has kind of evaporated from their popularity.

I don’t have too too much to say:) but simple is good… I don’t have to burden my brain and yours by over explaining.

Happy New Year!

 

The Evolution into Now; The Death of Carrot

This is definitely beyond what I’m comfortable writing about, maybe because it really exposes who I am as a person, but the meaning’s slightly changed since it happened -probably because I’ve been re-watching and re-reading all the movies/books of the hunger games.

It only shows of myself of a coward, of something useless, of something so incredibly helpless. I mean… in some ways, it’s showed me that I’m opposite of those traits; something much more positive and strong, but those were not exactly what sparked the revolution if you know what I mean.

I could’ve brought her to the hospital sooner. I know that if I had only just ruptured up the courage to do it the day before, or if I didn’t think of all her symptoms as part of “getting old”, maybe there would have been a fighting chance.

She seemed optimistic. Her bright eyes, and her appetite were normal. She made me feel safe, but some part of me believes that maybe that was just part of being the animal that she was conditioned to be in nature; prey. The way that she would attempt to pretend as if everything was alright makes me think that she might have been doing it for us, and just realizing afterwards was not okay.

I was scared of her.

That was not okay.

The way she would suddenly jerk or suddenly run around, bumping into all the corners of the cage, and then losing her balance and starting to squeak for help.

I want to say that I tried to comfort her.

I want to say that I was there by her side.

I can’t.

I couldn’t bare to watch her do all of that, to look into her eyes and see that they were listless, to see her have no control over her actions.

I was scared to send her to the hospital alone and handle paying for it and bringing her home.

Why was I scared of her?

Why couldn’t I be more scared for her?

We did eventually bring her to the vet, only to hear that she is in pain, has lost 13% of her body weight, and will be gone the next day. We were given some options…. to euthanize her at the hospital or to give her a shot that would free her from any pain for 24 hours. I was told that I was a good owner.

How?

I couldn’t accept that and I wasn’t sure why they said that to me. Maybe it was to make me feel better…

Maybe the euthanasia shot was the better choice, but I wasn’t sure if letting her die in the hospital was the right decision, but I was scared of bringing her back home and seeing her die there.

The doctor suggested that she get the painkiller shot, and that we could take her home to say our last goodbyes.

I couldn’t disagree, but maybe it was because I felt guilty of how I felt before or what I did before. I wish I knew what would be right for her, but it’s impossible.

So we brought her home and put her in a clean cage. She began kicking soon after, with her head looking like it was suffocating under the giant pile of bedding on top of it. She was on her side, her eyes wide open, kicking and jerking vigorously.

I knew because I was there.

We were all there.

I was crying and wiping my face on my t-shirt because part of me didn’t want to leave. I wanted to be there for Carrot.

My cousin, who had just come from China and my sister were also by my side, and I also felt extremely bad that I had to get them to see Carrot struggling like that. I guess I wanted to stay, but I went to the park instead and played badminton with them.

It made me happy again… but very temporarily. I mean….. It was two major events side by side; previous day: Arrival of cousins, and the next day: the Dying of Carrot. I felt extremely bi-polar.

Soon, I had no clue what to even feel.

When we returned, I saw Carrot lying very still. My dad was playing soft music in the background…. a practice he learned in his religious studies. He sang to her for many hours beside my mom, who felt that it would be right if she was there.

I thought she died. I was in shock.

Of course, I found out right before bed that the practice was only really applied to the dying as it’s aim was to help the dying die peacefully.

I couldn’t sleep more than a few hours that night. The mattress just didn’t feel comfortable. I woke up repeatedly, until I finally exited my room and went to sleep with my parents on their bed, which was really only big enough for 2 people.

There, I felt a sense of security, knowing that if anything were to happen, my parents would be there to protect me. I slept uncomfortably, but I still slept because I felt safe.

Everything will be alright I thought over and over again. The more I repeated it, the more it all made sense… but not quite yet… not that I could even try to put it into words just yet.

I woke up either at 5:30, or 6:30, having barely slept, and I went downstairs with my parents to find Carrot had passed away. Her eyes were nearly closed like she was sleeping, but I knew she would never wake up again.

I went to try to write her a poem, but with my depressed brain, nothing that I wrote was good enough for her.

I eventually did write something , that was made into a paper crane and is lying next to her right now. It’s still not very good…. but I had to write it in time for her burial.

Still, to this day, I don’t know if she died “the right way”. Sure, you could argue that everything that will happen is supposed to happen, but even so…. we should still assume responsibility right? What did I know was right anyways? I couldn’t think.

This intense feeling of empathy towards Carrot…. even if it wasn’t accurate, really led me to realize how connected everything in the world is and how harmoniously nature and the universe is composed.  To be able to feel is a magical thing.

My aunts words that reminded me to look at the positive stuff, resonates with me today. It’s a common saying….. but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.

The type of magic I saw in living things, in all things really is the part that is miraculous and for that reason,

Dear, dear Carrot,

Who’s fur shined liked magic of life, of magic itself, and who was magic,

Rest in Peace.

The Evolution into Now; The Coming of my Cousin from China

This was a long-anticipated event that was going to happen finally this summer. We had visited them a few times prior in China and had gotten along very well with each other. The energy to ask them excitedly, was one that resembled the kind of energy elementary school kids(or at least I had in elementary) contained at the mention of a sleepover with friends. It was the most thrilling idea I had ever heard of and so after a few years of repeatedly asking them to come, they finally agreed.

My cousin(it’s singular, not plural, like the mistake I made last post) is around the age of my little sis -maybe a bit younger. She’s super cute and super smart too. Being depressed at the time that they came, I tried my very best to be accommodating and excited. The feeling of excitement was faintly with me at the time, which was already a lot, but doing what I did naturally would have required much more.

Yeah… I admit it. The reason my health issue had remained for 4 years was because there always appeared to be something that was so much more… important than to deal with it. The fact that it stayed for that long is a sign that I had not made the right decision. When they came, I did what I always did when I met with someone I respected, hadn’t seen for a long time, or I wanted to feel better with themselves; I tried to hide it.

And let me tell you, it was NOT successful. Initially, I had been able to swallow the phlegm/spit….whatever you want to call it, but it slowly became more impossible, to the point that I felt like I was suffocating. I tried keeping it all in my mouth until I had the chance to spit it out, but more and more were built up and I had no choice but to spit it out wherever…whenever. It always makes me feel a little bit hopeless when that happened and I had thoughts that it would stay with me forever. The confused looks of our visiting family members really heightened that and I eventually broke down. I was both incredibly ashamed and incredibly regretful.

One day, my aunt sat me down and we had a talk about my problems, which surprised me. She talked simply and patiently, which made me hopeful and curious at the same time. We talked about elementary school kids in china and their huge homework loads and how people cope with stress in their lives. We talked about passion and hobbies -she asked me what mine was and I was so depressed at the time, I didn’t know. She shared with me her stories of depression, stress…etc and how I had to focus on the positive times. It made me realize the extent of how much I criticized and ignored the positive messages from the media. The ones that say… “Be Yourself” or the ones about empowerment… all the messages that always seemed too simplistic or too repetitive or too unexplored.

I realized they were true and that meant that complex doesn’t mean better.

My aunt helped me uncover the previously buried idea of seeking help and seeking change, which by the way, is not something that can always be forced to happen all the time -use your judgement because sometimes, the media, who often says these things, doesn’t always have one that fits you. There is a time and place for everything too.

We went on trips everyday around the part of the world we lived in and seeing them look in curiosity at the ordinary features of my life really made me smile. Seeing my depressed actions around that time, however, also triggered something in my mom, who decided to take initiative and go searching for a doctor to help me in my case. It really was cause and effect. The move to seek help started the chain reaction….or maybe it was my reaction to my cousin coming that triggered her reaction. Nah, I’m going to quit thinking right here. Life’s nothing but a chain of reactions, changing, blossoming, or fading into different things.

As Stephen Hawking says,

It’s physics.

It’s a simple world. We don’t have to make it so complicated.

 


Yup, that was a line, but about the haircut…. (it’s my blog so I’m gonna do what I want ;D )

Miley Cyrus undercut?

Or maybe something longer?

idk

I’m thinking about it.

I’ll explain why this is relevant soon 🙂

The Evolution into Now(Possible series?)

Well, I am here, I suppose.

How are you? Are you doing doing okay?

Are you happy?

I guess I am… after the longest time. I FEEL happy. It feels great not to just experience emotions in theory, but rather, in reality.

As I’m writing this on my laptop, I see in the corner of my eye a comfortable glow of sunlight from my window, which lights up the whole room and brings energy into it. I am breathing easy, something I haven’t been able to do for such a long time, I’ve forgotten what it feel to be able to do that until now.

I am calm, I am rested, and it is absolutely amazing to see the sunlight hit the earth in this view; the world feels a few shades lighter.

If you have known me in the last four years or so, you would know that I have an incredibly annoying spitting problem. I had to spit every few moment to liberate myself from feeling like I was being suffocated, which was not -as you could probably see- much more than a gesture that would recycle the need to spit again; it was a trap.

Well, little did I know that it was affecting me much more than just my ability to breathe. It was affecting my mood, the functions of my body systems, and maybe even my posture. I am learning how the brain reacts to illness, rather than the illness to the brain(It wasn’t just that I kept thinking about the illness that made it occur, but that the illness made my brain think about it), which brings me freedom from being at fault for creating such a miserable experience for myself.

Now that I think of it, there were a few things(or events) that helped me and will continue to help me to discover reality and happiness(not in order of importance or anything). The list is not limited, however, to:

  1. The coming of my cousins from China
  2. The death of Carrot
  3. The commitment to try (support from my parents)
  4. The influence of Miley Cyrus and all my amazing friends
  5. The rediscovery of the state of being yourself

I might decide to make a series out of this and dedicate a post to explain each of the 5… or who knows how many there will be… nothing is set in stone.

For those of you wondering how I even have the time to do this, I am not in summer school. I am spending the summer to recover and do some treatment.

And maybe get a new haircut ;P

Dear Diary Dec. 8, 2016

Dear Diary,

Well, a lot of things have happened since the last time I decided to write about my life 😀 To make it a little more brief, I’ve summarized it into a couple of categories:

  1. The creation of FH Writers Club
  2. Piano Competitions
  3. The school Jr Basketball team
  4. The FH Writers Club Short Story Contest
  5. The FH Writers Club Potato Sale
  6. My Sister’s Birthday Party

Of course, there are many more, but when I feel like the time is right to talk about them, I will. I’m just not comfortable to be doing that right now.

First off the list, the creation of FH Writers Club! I had always wanted to create a club, but after seeing the different ways people interacted with each other at school in grade 8 and 9, I kind of lost that desire. I was absolutely afraid of the reaction people would get if they did not accept the way I thought, because I know that I often express myself very bluntly. I wasn’t familiar with many of the new people at school and their quick adaptation to fit the high school “standard” was something I tried to avoid, because I didn’t want to be categorized in that way. I don’t think it was a slow realization that made me come to this point, but rather something that I was finally able to commit to after getting the necessary (almost irrelevant actually) encouragement from my piano teacher.

The first meeting of the club shocked me because so many people had decided to see what it’s all about. I had been excited to the point that I got a little bit dizzy and my heart pounded ferociously. I guess I was taking myself a little bit too seriously that first time, because I was very very angry at the way I presented at that meeting. I didn’t think I was leading well and I wasn’t able to handle the categorization factor that said that how I acted was just how I was supposed to act as a high school student. Anyways, the amount of people that came regularly decreased since then, and it was definitely something that had to be accepted and so the term “quality over quantity” finally came into use.

With all the havoc at school, I knew that I had to keep my emotional state healthy if I was going to do well in my piano competitions. It didn’t work. I was immensely regretful of the first one I did this school year, so I did what I always did about things like that; I cried. Feeling the pain and the sadness revived my emotional state because I was so refreshed by my strong response, and so I tried to write a little about it. I made this really complicated short story that (in my opinion now) was kind of boring. My piano teacher told me I had to accept the results and keep moving forward, so I did. It wasn’t just the words that were said about this particular incident, but the amazing explanation that was easily characteristic of the actual experience that made me believe it. I was mind-blown then and I am still mind-blown today.

To clarify the basketball thing, I am actually NOT able to play as of now on the actual team. I’m part of the practice squad, which is a fair consequence in my opinion. I wasn’t keeping up with the announcements(I didn’t hear them) and so I missed the day the jerseys were being distributed. Also, I provided no excuse to my coach for missing so many weeks of practice due to my piano competitions. The downside to it is that I really do like to play basketball and I know that this is my last to play on the junior girl’s team . I doubt that I will be able to have the time to play after I graduate which is really tragic for me since I am so attached to the sport. Another unfortunate thing is that if I hurt my fingers, then I can’t attend all the piano things that I am also very committed to so…. I guess a decision has to be made eventually…

Continuing on, the FH Writers club presented two events side by side this month, and in my opinion, it is kind of a living hell to organize them because of the amount of time I have to spend on the exec meetings and stuff. I am beaten by the fact that I wasn’t able to practice very much piano with so many things on my mind. All I really want is to take a break from all the homework loads and club things, so I am really leaning on Winter Break. That said, I am very very passionate about the club(and the other clubs I am in) and really nobody needs to apologize for anything about it. In a way, I am absolutely grateful that I was trusted enough to carry about my plans and radical decision making as an executive in the club, because I know that I would not be trusted in other clubs. Shout out to the fellow club members and co-organizers of the club too because of their strong commitment to the enormous cause! I mean…. I don’t want to act like it was all me 😀

Oh…and lastly, my sister had her birthday party with all her friends last sunday. It was quite a blast! They played treasure hunts, scavenger hunts, dodge-balloon, trivia, and we ate a lot of cake! I just found out that one of her friends in the son of my basketball coach at school! Her way of planning her parties really inspired to do something similar, which gets me to lean harder on Christmas break as I anticipate for all the christmas parties!

Back to School

School is officially starting tomorrow, and somehow, I feel so unprepared in every way. It’s almost like I feel like I should have been more worried earlier, like I’m procrastinating and the assignment is due the next day. I’m so worried that I don’t think I will be able to conduct myself in the manner of which I can be aware and respectful to the people around the school. There just suddenly were so many complications that have to be dealt with and I guess the security of believing that everything would go smoothly distracted me from feeling the way I’m used to feeling in preparation for school. Summer had given me such a fresh mind and perspective, It almost feels scary to face the return of the previously stressed student life again. I am learning Spanish this year and I’m going to Spain during Spring Break, so there’s a lot to get pumped about. It’s kind of insane not knowing exactly how you feel, because you cannot find a honest place to relax. With all this confusion,I feel obligated to do something about it. The only thing is that I don’t know what to do.

This year, my friends and I are starting a writing club. The complications relating to that are both related to finding an independence. We need to discuss a lot of things to a lot of different people. And the most overwhelming thought about it is that we might get rejected, or we might not be able to do as much as we wanted to do with it.

I guess I’m really overthinking like I always do, and I have to prioritize more. Hard to think that I’m going to be on my own in a few years to face the world and all its wonders. I just gotta take it easy…